***taking a deep breath***

Let's begin by saying hello  to everyone visiting today or whenever you decided to come by......

The past two weeks have been nothing short of a mental purgatory for me.  About two weeks ago, my fraternity had it's annual Blu Phi Weekend.  I had a great time (i was drunk most of the time).     I have been working on a reconciliation of sorts with my ex but i didn't exactly know what was going on.  I had a friend come to the step show.  I dont really know what the hell is the deal with this girl.  I find myself not able to say no to her at all.  Add that to the fact that i was drunk and you have a recipe for disaster.   I am not going to go into details about what happened but I will say that  I do not know what the hell is going to transpire.

Which raised a question in my head.  Am I just settling for what is convenient?  Don't get me wrong I love my baby to death, but will it be this hard for me to say no to temptation in the future.  If so, should I wait to get back with my girlfriend.  Lust or love.....Sure, I am young but I have never been one to play games. I dont think it will be fair to say," Yes baby, I only want you in my life"  when the whole time i know I CANNOT SAY NO TO THIS 6 FOOT BLACK WOMAN!!!  DO I GIVE IN TO THE LUST OR LOVE?

Well that is my love life.......

Last Saturday, I received a phone call that my uncle was in the hospital.  It seems that he has colon cancer which had spread to his liver that needed immediate surgery.  Then I was told that my grandmother was in the hospital as well with bowel obtructions that needed surgery.  THEN I was told that my cousin, who has always been like a brother to me, was in a car accident on the way home from work Thursday night.  Apparently, he went to sleep behind the wheel.   So my whole weekend was spent in the hospital with my family.  My uncle is okay for the most part.  They removed the cancer from his colon and are beginning to implement a plan to deal with the cancer in his liver.  My grandmother and cousin are both fine but still sore.

Sunday morning, after church, I receive another phone call. I am happy at this point because my family was okay.  "Patrick, are you sitting down.....Alicia was in a car crash....she didn't  make it...."   Alicia was a girl who I went to school with. No one really understood her.  We had a relationship where i would call her a retard and she would hit me in the stomach and we both knew that the other was thinkin about the other. 

On top of all of this, my friend was going through some problems at home as well.  This may be selfish, but I really didnt have the energy emotionally to deal with it all.  So I began to shut myself off from her and make myself unavailable to her.  Is it so wrong that I just wanted to be held without questions about our relationship?  All I wanted was to cry and be held and know that no matter what, she would be there.  I may be wrong but I felt as though this ONE time out of the thousands of time, she could hold me instead of me hold her.  I can handle a lot of different things but I am not Superman. 

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Bit of advice to you all:

DO NOT HOLD A CONVERSATION WITH A DRUNK PERSON WHO HAS A LOT OF STUFF ON HIS BRAIN

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I feel so unattractive today for some strange reason.....

 

LOVE OR LUST?

 

Wow. This is actually a serious entry. Okay, as far as the relationship with your ex, I think you should tell her exactly what you have expressed here in your journal. That you love her, but that you are very hesitant about resuming the relationship with her because you are tempted to be with other women. Let her know that you don't want to mislead her at all. Sit down and discuss it with her and see how she feelz about that. Love or lust? I think only YOU really know the answer to that, Patrick. Whatz in your heart?

I am glad to here that your cousin and your grandmother are doing better. And I will be praying for your uncle's FULL recovery.

And I am sooo sorry about Alicia, Patrick. I know what it's like to lose a friend. I'm here for your if ever you should need or what to talk to someone. You know I got you. Love you like an adopted brother. Muahz!

I don't think that you are being selfish for not be available to her problems. Sometimes you need time to deal with your own shyt. It's hard to console someone else when you have so much shyt going on in your life. I know that you don't feel like your problems outweigh hers, and hopefully she can understand why it is that you're not able to be there for her right now. I know what it's like to be frustrated by the fact that someone you care about seems to have a "me, me , me" attitude. It's like just once, can it be about me? Damn I have shyt going on too, that I don't even bring to you because you'll bombard me with YOUR problems. Maybe you should explain to her just how you feel. Hopefully she will understand and respect your feelingz and give you just a lil room to deal with YOUR shyt.

Love ya,
~B

Hey sweetie,
Love is tricky...and timing is everything. You could love your baby to death....and if the timing isn't right for you to be together...simply put, you won't be together. That makes the situation even harder and more painful sometimes. Only you know if it's love or lust and only you know how difficult you allow temptation to be. But you DO need to talk to your ex and let her know what's going on. There's nothing worse than loving someone so much and having no idea what is going on with them. Even if you don't fully know what's going on...tell her something, even if it's that you don't fully know. She will appreciate the effort and the honesty and may even back down with some of the "where are we going?" questions. If you feel your "drunken encounter" was a mistake...truly a mistake...own up to it, ask for forgivness and set out to make up for it. We all make mistakes, honey...it's how we handle them afterwards that make us who we are.

I breathed a sigh of relief and I am most happy that your family is doing better, but I'm sorry to hear about the death of your friend.

I don't think you are being selfish for not being able to be there for your friend at the time. You gotta take care of YOU sometimes. But try not to be so hard on her...sometimes when we are so used to turning to a certain person for support, we may forget that that person has needs too. I'm sure she wants to be there for you, she just briefly got caught up in her own crap. Try not to hold it against her. Through all of your rough times with her, try to keep the fact that she loves you in the forefront. When you argue, remind yourself "she loves me"...when you feel crowded think "she loves me" when you feel or think negatively, say to yourself, "she loves me"....it helps...trust me. You gotta take care of you.

You're family, man....if you need me...I'm here.

Peace.

Wow, you have been through aLOT this week and my prayers are with you. Everything else I was gonna say has already been said by Bonni and Blu. Hope you have a better weekend coming up.

It seems as though so many are going through many hard times concerning life or health. I'm sorry to hear about your family and i pray that they wil all recover.

about the love vs lust...well, i truly feel that love takes presidence over all things and if lust is playing a part in your decisions, perhaps your not ready for commitment or perhaps you love your ex but not enough to be faithful...maybe you need to be single for a while, it's best to be honest with others and with self...don't give out mixed signals, you can't be selfish and have your cake and eat it too. Just play it safe and be single until you are absolutely certain.

Pat, sounds like you got a helluva lot of stuff going on. About the ex, before you jump in the water, make sure within yourself that you really want to be with this woman 100%. If you're feeling the least bit hesitant, that's a sign that you need to pump your breaks playa. As far as all of the other things that are going on, it sounds like so much has gone on at one time that you haven't had the time to take it all in and breathe. Take a deep breath and handle all the pain that's coming your way. Scream, write, cry, smoke an el, do what you have to do to process everything so you can get a handle on things. And above all else, pray. Sounds simple enough but the Lord will bring you through the stormy weather. And if you ever need to vent, holla at your boy!

As everyone else has said you are going through a lot. You have my sympathy for the loss of your friend...I know how that feels. I am glad that your family members are going to recover and are doing well.

The love and lust thing, as "The Natural" said...you might want to pump yo' brakes playa and think on it some more. If you have to pose that question, you need to keep thinking. It's just my opinion, but lust doesn't last longer than love.

As far as your friend, I think you are not wrong in the way you feel because you aren't superman, you have a right to want someone to lean on sometimes too. Sometimes people get so caught up in their problems that they forget someone else might need a shoulder to cry on.

Take care and I hope you get through this son.

Thank you all so much for the input...it is greatly apprecialted :)

Everyone said what I was gonna say;)

it's the wee hours of the morning and i am passing through. although the entry was posted weeks ago my condolences on the loss of your friend. and i hope your family is doing well. as for your problem i am wondering something. you say you love your ex but how does she feel about being convienent? if you really love her...then she's not just what's available...she should be what you want. i hope she has not seen this and if she has i sure hope you explained yourself. love is essential. ass is ass...and there is no telling who else has been in the ass you are lusting after. love is eternal...and when it's true it's a serious blessing. think about what you want in your life years from now...do you want to be 40 years old chasing skirts,or do you want to have someone who will uplift you and support you and love you all the days of your life? thinking about that helped me with my decision....and i chose love. besides, with all the diseases out there...lust can get you dead very quickly if you are not careful.