I had a dream the other night

the sweetest dream imaginable to man

My dream rocked me into the middle of the day

held  me ensnared in beautiful hues of pink and bleu

caressed my mind

stroked my heart through the muscles of my chest

put food in my belly

fed my soul

loved my soul

massaged my sole

left me weak in the knees

My dream led me into a soft meadow

lay me among the fragrance of flowers

laying butterflies on my fingertips

my dream told me...

my dream showed me...

my dream is...

Love

Good morning journal land dwellers,

why the hell cars cant get fixed and stay the hell fixed, my car has been in the shop for the last month(had to get a new radiator tank)...i get it out yesterday and the damn power steering pump just falls the f*ck off as i am drivin back to school...not to mention that i need two back tires, 4 struts, a tail light, oil change, windshield wipers.....

ANYBODY OUT THERE JUST WANT TO GIVE ME AN ALMOST NEW CAR....see most people would have asked for a brand new car, i just want somethin dependable and cheap

Guess what yall....I am still alive and kickin.  Me Happy....me feel dood.....

ME SO HORNY!!!

I Walk Alone

I walk alone
with mental perceptions
of inevitability
chasing me throu
lands of shapeless forms
lands of smoke and mirrors
reflecting the facade
of the form known to many
understood by few

I walk alone
through smoke filled bogs
masking the intentions
of an uninitiated soul
seeking retribution
longing for validation
finding only questions
to answers yet unformed
never to escape
my consciousness

I walk alone
with the masses
marching to my fate
meeting it head on
no doubts
confusion rains
setting upon me
as the dove on the olive branch

I walk alone
searching for peace
searching for a cross
between a puzzle
and a question
leaving me alone and confused

I walk alone
with little understandin
of what i am
of who i am
of who i can be
if only i would just decide
to set aside the idiosies (is that a word?)
of the world
and embrace me

I walk alone
with my companion by my side
but my bullshyt ways
and my bullshyt attitudes
will soon leave me
alone
realizing that someone did love me
that damn much

I walk alone
in the dark side of humanity
seeing the perverse nature
of the fraility portrayed by my ticker
that hasn't been broken enough times
to warrant the constant mistrust
or the abuse that only I place on it

This is why I feel
that I walk so alone

I have dreams of walkin along road
with bodies cast away
along the sides
piling high
each one carrying with them
my familiar smile
eternally frozen
as an epitaph screamin
"Here lies Old Man Johnson...Loved by one
But he died alone"

I figured it was time for an update seeing as how the last entry was so long ago. 

Not much has changed since the last entry.  I just got back from my Spring Break!  YAY!   Boring as hell!  I did absolutely nothing the entire break. No parties, no liquor, no NOTHING.  I feel so depressed.  Most college students get loose on spring break.  I just go home.  I am such a looser  

NOT!

I procrastinate a lot and I don't handle things in a very timely fashion.  That being said, the situation with the love life is still in the air.  The difference now is that I have not spoken to that other woman since then.  I feel like it would complicate things further if I do keep in touch with her.  Wrong?  Maybe.  Just setting myself up for some kind of meltdown? Maybe......

Thats enough about that....

Details will not be given out at random anymore.....

I found out some horrible shyt over the break though...It seems as though my first girlfriend, which was in high school, broke up with me for a very dumb reason.  She said I didn't move fast enough for her. I am proud to say that I remained a virgin until I was 18 years old and I am with that person up to this very day....sorta.

I realized how much I hated high school at that point.  I never got invited to anything.  My class had a party after graduation...WHY THE HELL AM I JUST FINDING OUT ABOUT IT?  "We didn't think that you would come, so we didn't invite you....It wasn't on purpose....we all liked you we just thought that you were too good to hang wit us..."

Here is what I have to say about that.......

F*CK YOU, SUCK A D*CK, DIE B*TCH!!!!!

***We now return you to your regularly scheduled program***

***taking a deep breath***

Let's begin by saying hello  to everyone visiting today or whenever you decided to come by......

The past two weeks have been nothing short of a mental purgatory for me.  About two weeks ago, my fraternity had it's annual Blu Phi Weekend.  I had a great time (i was drunk most of the time).     I have been working on a reconciliation of sorts with my ex but i didn't exactly know what was going on.  I had a friend come to the step show.  I dont really know what the hell is the deal with this girl.  I find myself not able to say no to her at all.  Add that to the fact that i was drunk and you have a recipe for disaster.   I am not going to go into details about what happened but I will say that  I do not know what the hell is going to transpire.

Which raised a question in my head.  Am I just settling for what is convenient?  Don't get me wrong I love my baby to death, but will it be this hard for me to say no to temptation in the future.  If so, should I wait to get back with my girlfriend.  Lust or love.....Sure, I am young but I have never been one to play games. I dont think it will be fair to say," Yes baby, I only want you in my life"  when the whole time i know I CANNOT SAY NO TO THIS 6 FOOT BLACK WOMAN!!!  DO I GIVE IN TO THE LUST OR LOVE?

Well that is my love life.......

Last Saturday, I received a phone call that my uncle was in the hospital.  It seems that he has colon cancer which had spread to his liver that needed immediate surgery.  Then I was told that my grandmother was in the hospital as well with bowel obtructions that needed surgery.  THEN I was told that my cousin, who has always been like a brother to me, was in a car accident on the way home from work Thursday night.  Apparently, he went to sleep behind the wheel.   So my whole weekend was spent in the hospital with my family.  My uncle is okay for the most part.  They removed the cancer from his colon and are beginning to implement a plan to deal with the cancer in his liver.  My grandmother and cousin are both fine but still sore.

Sunday morning, after church, I receive another phone call. I am happy at this point because my family was okay.  "Patrick, are you sitting down.....Alicia was in a car crash....she didn't  make it...."   Alicia was a girl who I went to school with. No one really understood her.  We had a relationship where i would call her a retard and she would hit me in the stomach and we both knew that the other was thinkin about the other. 

On top of all of this, my friend was going through some problems at home as well.  This may be selfish, but I really didnt have the energy emotionally to deal with it all.  So I began to shut myself off from her and make myself unavailable to her.  Is it so wrong that I just wanted to be held without questions about our relationship?  All I wanted was to cry and be held and know that no matter what, she would be there.  I may be wrong but I felt as though this ONE time out of the thousands of time, she could hold me instead of me hold her.  I can handle a lot of different things but I am not Superman. 

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Bit of advice to you all:

DO NOT HOLD A CONVERSATION WITH A DRUNK PERSON WHO HAS A LOT OF STUFF ON HIS BRAIN

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I feel so unattractive today for some strange reason.....

LOVE OR LUST?

I'm not horny any more!!!!!!!

However.........

Strong hands grip

the intensity of the perfection

 of your body

Making the world slip

far and away from the ordinary

Past the extraordinary

to a place of imagination

where the sound of drums

are the only audible sounds

aside from the muffled

cries

slap of flesh

skweek of frames

break of  sweats

the constant  rimshot

the sensuous riiiide of the cymbals

tis, tis, tis-tis, tisssss

and a boom

clack

boom

clack

is that alright

can we go

can i play for you

Well hello to you all.

Here is the long awaited "Sequel"   

Remember that class that the professor was trippin in, I dropped that ho this morning     I so happy!

I have been in pretty good spirits lately. I can't really say that I have anthing to complain about.  Well, maybe two things. One, my baby brother is driving my mom crazy with his attitude.  I try to be a big brother and explain things to him but we are just alike, so it kinda goes in one ear and out his arsehole   .  He has extremely selfish motivations and feels that the world should revolve around him.  My mom is not as young as she used to be.  She don't need all the stress of what she deals with added to by HE DONT EVER WANT TO DO SHYT BUT COMPLAIN ABOUT WHAT HE DOESN'T HAVE.  YOU ARE 13 YEARS OLD, WHAT THE HELL DO YOU NEED WITH A CELL PHONE. I DIDN'T GET ONE TIL I WAS 20.   oops!!!    Wooo Saaa.  I guess what I really need to know is how the hell can I get through to him without crushing his lil spirit (he's tenderhearted).

My second problem.........

come closer..........

little closer..........

just a little bit closer.......

I am horny as hell!

okay, buh bye now.....

yall come back now, ya hear....